kinda sugar free vanilla cream peanut butter not quite cheesecake pie.

mmmm.

 

 

my dad was diabetic and because of that, as a family, we were always on a full investigative search for the best sugar free desserts. back in the 90s and early 2000s his options were pretty limited, I think he’d have had so much more to chose from now. I remember having these sad little hard candies laying around the house, they tasted like the way bathroom cleaners smell. like, ya there’s some mixed berry in there but its only there trying to mask some seriously jacked-up shit. but he had such a sweet tooth he’d eat them anyway, poor guy.

we’ve been on a no sugar diet for about a month, trying to slim down for the wedding and generally be healthier. that means obviously no desserts but also no fruit, no carbs, and we have to stick to a strict list of sugar free veggies and protein. did you know that regular milk has tons of sugar? I didn’t. the cool part is that calories don’t count, meaning you can eat as much bacon and cheese as you want and believe me, we do. that being said, its not for everybody and I’m not here to sell you on anything, just to talk about delicious food. if you want to read about the diet, here.

so anyway we’re both doing pretty well, we’ve lost a little bit of weight and it feels good. but oh my god sandwiches. oh my god noodles. oh my sweet jesus cereal and oranges and creamy soups and crusty bread and ALL THE BEST THINGS HAVE SUGAR. so here is my creation: mostly sugar free creamy vanilla peanut buttery pie maybe kind of cheese cake type thing. I say “mostly” because there’s peanut butter in the crust and peanut butter has a little bit of sugar in it. because of course it does. you’ll also notice the ingredients are VERY rich, but also sugar free.

pie crust:  1 stick of melted butter. 2 large table spoons of peanut butter. 1 spoon of almond meal. all mixed together. pour that into a pie tin and bake on 400 for 25 mins. at this point it won’t get hard, just kind of melty and bubbly, thats ok. it will harden later.

pie filling: 1 box of sugar free vanilla pudding. a lot of ricotta cheese. a generous sprinkle of both nutmeg and cinnamon. a pour of sugar-free vanilla extract. all mixed together.

after the pie crust has cooled a little you can pour the pie filling over it, and chill in the fridge for at least an hour. during this time for some reason, probably having to do with science, the crust turns into something resembling peanut brittle. its probably all the butter, I don’t know I stopped asking questions because it was SO GOOD I WAS TOO BUSY EATING. I also made one with a combo of sugar free chocolate and pistachio pudding.

my pa could have eaten this, he would have loved it so much, and that makes me really happy.

xo j.

feauty products.

if mother nature had a face I imagine it would look like Sophia Vergara had a baby with Cindy Joseph, and then that baby somehow melded with a papaya and an orchid and a baby dolphin. I went off the rails a little bit there, I’m pretty tired. what I mean is that she’d have the brightest eyes and the most supple skin and the shiniest hair because she’d use only the best beauty products. products that she had created no less, from her own bossom.

pictured here are some new ideas I’m pretty psyched about these days. and they’re things I had in my kitchen anyway!

• coconut oil in your hair overnight and shampooed out in the morning leaves it super full (like, the SHAFTS feel bigger) and shiny. and I read that it makes it grow faster by strengthening it and preventing breakage. rub it into your skin and you’ll smell like a tropical mermaid from heaven. then you can use some in a pan to saute the shit out of some zucchini!
• I read this recipe online for a detox bath. a generous pour of hydrogen peroxide with several spoonfuls of ground ginger added into really hot water, for a 30 minute soak. the author of the article said she could actual smell alcohol seeping out of her pores, a concept that both disgusts and delights me. up until now I thought hydrogen peroxide was bleach (what am I thinking of? I still don’t know) but it turns out this is actually a thing that people put on their bodies and in their mouths for all kinds of reasons. who knew.
• in the depths of winter my face-skin becomes as dry and rough as a crusty old car in a junkyard in hell. I found some cosmetic-grade cold pressed organic sesame oil and rubbed some on my face and shins throughout the winter months. I smelled like a chinese chicken salad, but boy was my skin smooth.
• Dr. Oz (I don’t know) had this thing on the internet about a natural teeth whitener: juice from half a lemon mixed with a table spoon of baking soda. rub it on your teeth and leave it on for no more than 60 seconds. I haven’t tried this one yet but I have a lemon tree in my front yard and so the fact that this home beauty treatment will be mostly free excites a very real and very proud part of my jew-ness. come over and help yourself if you want some lemons!

what are some of your favorite feauty products?

xo j.

green eggs and ham, all grown up.

as you can see I was half-way through eating this when I paused long enough to take a picture. I’ve written posts about things similar to this before, but variations on eggs benedict happens to be my favorite all time meal and I think it deserves as much attention as possible.

instead of using an english muff as the base I’ve started using the frozen potato pancakes from trader joes. they brown easily in a hot pan, are perfectly seasoned and mercifully gluten free (the bloating, you guys. it’s a real thing). top that with a perfectly poached egg or 2 (see my post from a million years ago, “the perfect poach”). I browned a few slices of thin ham, you could easily make this vegetarian, but my man is having love affair with breakfast meat. a few slices of avo, and now the finishing touch: this weird little green sauce I made. one whole bunch of cilantro, 3 jalapenos with seeds, a half cup of coconut milk, a cup of kefir, juice from a whole lemon, salt and pepper. its herbaliscious and spicy and fresh.

have this and a few cups of strong coffee in the morning and you’ll be ready to take on the world!

xo j.

2013 is off to a bloated start.

uuuuuuugh happy new year. this part is always kind of a bummer for me after the massive cozy wintery charming love explosion of the holidays. what seemed awesome 2 weeks ago, things like baked goods and wine and salty cheese, I now find myself shaking an angry-old-man fist at. I also hate new years resolutions because they’re contrived and pressure-y and ultimately just shame-inducing and I already have enough of that. I struggle with balancing my love of all things wet-carb and wanting to look hot. lately I’ve let myself slide, the past 9 months have been a series of lovely celebrations, capped off with thnksgiving/birthday/christmas and omigod I’m bloated. I’m always cold and tired. I don’t feel good. I don’t crave good things. I feel polluted. I want really salty creamy pasta and an entire bottle of white wine and coffee ice cream for dessert.

I have no desire to restrict or punish myself, not because I’m super into self-acceptance, but mostly because I know that doesn’t last. what I am interested in is why I want salt and gluten and alcohol and caffeine and little else lately. I want to understand, without judgement, why I want those things and what my body is telling me it really needs (see chart thing below that I found on the internet, sorry about the douchers at the very bottom I didn’t put them there).

SO. I’m going to try. I’m going to make different decisions at the grocery store,  I’m going to pay attention to the way I feel mood and energy-wise after I eat, I’m going to try to imagine what I eat being used by my body (sorry if that sounded cheesy. mmm cheeeeeesy), I’m going to try to work up a sweat for at least 10 mins a day (or something), I’m going to go several nights (!) in a row without having wine, I’m going to sleep without sleeping pills and try to be kind to my poor lethargic and water-retention-y body. my heart is very full of love and for that I’m super grateful, but my tummy is very full of fettucini and for that I have heart burn. here we go 2013!

 

xo j.

orange vanilla martini

- orange vodka (3 shots worth)

- cointreau (2 shots worth)

- orange juice concentrate (1 table spoon scoop)

- vanilla extract (1 table spoon)

- orange rind for garnish.

makes 2 martinis

shaken and served up in a pretty glass. for a bright and fresh winter cocktail, for when you need to up your vitamin C intake.

xo J.

pear bread pudding.

 

 

 

 

 

the days post-thanksgiving left me with 3 things: extra gas from the lactose and from the gluten, beautiful memories, and hella pears. (see previous post for explanation)

I had some left over dinner rolls in the freezer so I decided to make a pear bread pudding. I’ve never made bread pudding before but I let my love of wet carbs guide me.

bread soaking mixture = 3 cups of milk, plenty of vanilla extract, cinnamon, nutmeg, 2 eggs, cointreau, orange juice concentrate.

cube up whatever left-over bread you have and let it soak up your soaking mixture. then spoon a layer of the soaked bread into a baking dish, then a layer of thinly sliced ripe pears. then another layer of the soaked bread. pour another healthy pour of milk and another sprinkle of cointreau over the entire thing and bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes, until most of the liquid is evaporated.

top with thin slivers of fresh orange rind and whipped cream, serve while its hot.

this dessert will make your house smell like a spicy christmas dream. and you’ll notice there’s no added sugar, so it’s not crazy-unhealthy!

xo j.

press-in crust.

 

i’ve been making these for so long that i totally lost my touch with real, actual pastry crust. mine were INEDIBLE this thanksgiving. i’m having a pretty intense internal crisis about my pastry sucking (NOT ok) soooo i’m back here, making these awesome tart/pie crusts with cookies and butter.  you can take any kind of cookie… i started with graham crackers but moved on to ginger snaps, chocolate cookies, etc.  i made a nilla wafer crust for a key lime pie. it was real nice.  so just pulse some cookies of your choice in a food processor (or put in a heavy duty ziploc and smash them around with a wine bottle, if you’re like me) and then dribble melted butter in until you get a thick enough consistency to stick to the bottom and sides of a (greased) pie dish or tart pan.  then bake it for like 10 minutes till it hardens up a little and then put whatever you want in it! like pastry cream or marscapone or fruits or all of those things. so easy, so good.

 

c.